Silver lining...where is it?

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. But do they really? Recently I find that it's become increasingly difficult to focus on that silver lining--the small glimpse of all things great and happy. Maybe it's because I am tired at the end of the day, or because I am left with so much time to think and ponder all by myself. My work entails a lot of interaction with people, which is great. I have a lot of friends here who know so much more about life and work and everything else, it seems. So when it comes to asking for advice, they are inspiring and helpful, and hopeful as well. Yet, the heart-sinking feeling doens't subside and I'm often left to stand on my own. Is this what being an adult is like? Am I to make life-changing decisions without a support system or an intense conversation? Am I to go on and only share the low and high times over email?

Really, what I lack is something as simple as a friend who is going through the same transition, the same instability, the same self-doubts; someone standing on equal ground, with similar roots, with the same mindset as my own. And it hasn't gotten to me until now. There is no one to turn to when I have a bad day, or when I've been having a bad week. Emails are great but there's only so much you can say in one email, and everyone is busy; replying to emails isn't such a simple task sometimes. My good friends are scattered across the globe and the person I really want to be with is on the other side of the world, and he's probably not even half as upset as I am on a daily basis, as he is substantially more apt at finding the good in things than I.

I feel like I can't live in the now. I am always looking towards the end of the month, the end of the term, the end of the school year, in fact! Surely that is no healthy thing, and no wonder I am less motivated than usual to do the things I love and enjoy. In fact, I almost feel like I can't do the things that make me happy right now because I'm working towards a final goal--grad school. Doing things that make me happy now somehow seems to lessen the chances of me achieving the final goal. Thus, I've succumbed to a delayed form of gratification, no longer looking for things to make me happy now. Perhaps I am tired of looking for a 'silver lining' anymore, crossing my fingers in hopes of it appearing in front of me on its own. Maybe I need a vacation, but hell, it's only September!

A former roommate once told me that the incessant desire to sleep means one is usually upset in some way. It is probably true, as all I want to do these days is sleep.