Lack of energy..

I don't have much energy. I wander aimlessly through the halls at work, in hopes that something exciting pops up in front of me. Or if I'm in my room sitting, I stare into computer screens, at the scattered papers on my desk, or into a book and twirl a pen. If I'm not doing either of those, then I'm purposely piling jobs and tasks onto my days and very quickly filling up my daily schedule, down to every minute from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., sometimes 8 or 9. God knows if I'll ever be motivated to do any of it, but I don't care - I don't care if I succeed or fail anymore, and the only thing that matters is that time is passing, however slowly it may be. Then I sporadically think, This must be what it's like to be dying, to feel the draining of both will and energy from the body.

Twice I am caught staring into space, and with someone standing beside me, asking questions. All the readings that I'd said I'd do, all the pre-research tasks I've assigned myself, all the self-teaching I scheduled for myself, I have not done. I don't want to touch any of it because I feel like they are tainted by a time I don't want to be reminded of. If I touch it, it will take over me and then I will really be unfunctional. And I have to function, to complete the minimal amount of tasks. It has almost been a week and all I can get myself to do is breathe.